Are we ever in control?

Into the unknown

Have you ever stood on the brink of a shiny new  adventure or opportunity and felt like you cant afford to take it? You knew in your heart of hearts that it is exactly what you need but somehow held back, even for a tiny second. You may eventually dive in and enjoy the ride, but the first response is usually hesitation. I congratulate you if you find it easy to accept new things, most of us agonize over stepping over that line. Why is it so?
As humans we have a hard time accepting things that we cannot control, and sometimes we run from them. And all new opportunities and adventures are filled with situations out of our control. Things that are out of our control are uncomfortable and demand so much more than what we want to give at any given moment. So we stay in the comfortable places with situations we can control and predict their outcomes. Why am I talking about control? Well I'm glad you asked😊 

 I was confronted by my own need for control recently as I was driving from Joburg city centre. On the drive home I had to go via Sandton. If you know Jozi you know the fastest and easiest way is via the M3, a highway. Now if you know me, you'll know I'm not a fan of driving on the highway, so obviously I took the long way to Joburg avoiding the highway. As I was now forced to be on the highway I started asking myself why do I dislike the highway. I realised that it's because I want to be in control, of stopping and starting at will, which traffic lights and STOP signs allow. The highway, or freeway however has no such luxuries, and I always find myself feeling out of control as it were.
So why do we as humans prefer to be in control? Well to be honest, control feels safe because we have studied the place and can predict how things play out. Control says " if A happens I can do B". When we have control we get to choose the outcomes and are not at the mercy of some external force.
But what if we let go of any control? What's the worst that could happen? I think we would be surprised by how much growth will come into our lives. Letting go means we get ready to respond in whatever way the situation demands, and that is the point of growth. When we are in control, we keep using the same tried and trusted strategies to solve life's questions. On the other hand when we allow ourselves to be out of control, our brain is forced to find new ways to cope and isn't that what life is about? Growth and development happens fastest in unfamiliar ground.

 To borrow from Chemistry, atoms are always seeking stability, hence the chemical reactions that make all the compounds we have today. If atoms did not seek that stability and were content with their comfortable existence, who knows if we would have water and all the host of other chemical compounds we have in nature. The same is true for all of life. The search for stability involves stretching and changing to find ways to reach the state of rest. Once stability in our lives is reached, sadly we tend to get too comfortable and expect growth to happen automatically.  Yet life itself is always giving us lessons on how growth and change are always happening.

 A baby is born and grows to become an adult.  Each moment is a moment of change as new cells are added while old ones are discarded. From the moment we are born our baby brain  is assailed consistently by new things, sounds, tastes, smells and sensations. The baby brain has no choice but to expand in order to make sense of all the new information,  and that is growth. In the same way our brains are not stagnant, but we can stunt their growth if we dont expose ourselves to new things that challenge us. When we allow more unpredictable scenarios into our lives our brains quickly learn to figure out ways to deal with them. Eventually we become sharper and quicker in dealing with life. That is how we learn as we grow from helpless babies through to adulthood. 

 Therefore my dear fellow humans, being in  control of our circumstances is a fallacy,  and as elusive as catching one's shadow. All we have control over is how we respond to the out of control situations in our lives.  Either by embracing it and allowing it to be the teacher, or by turning tail and running in the opposite direction. Your response determines whether you get growth and excitement, or comfort and stagnation. Are you going to let go of the shore and let yourself be carried away into uncharted waters, or are you going to continue hugging the harbour?
I thank you for being a part of this awesome adventure called life!

Trauma; the other side?

Hello!

it's me again, and happy 2021 lovers! We are in the fourth month and if you're still waking up at all, I applaude you, it's a great feat! I am grateful for each day in this season of the pandemic, and I am sure or rather I am hoping that this gratitude will linger into the coming seasons when we are free from the pandemic.My desire is that this attitude of gratitude for the little things i used to take for granted, will grow and bear fruit of an abundance of gratitude, for everything in life.
There is something about trauma that makes you look at life differently. Yes, most of the time that is not a good thing because we tend to develop negative coping strategies after trauma, and that is normal because trauma is not pleasurable. But I think utilized differently trauma can give birth to beauty. Think of childbirth, or the splitting of a seed to release new life. In the same way trauma can give birth to new and better ways of living this life if given the right soil to grow. I know I'm using a lot of metaphors but that's how I think oftentimes, and I love it😊

When we look at a green forest, or even a beautifully sculpted backyard, we rarely think of the process behind the scenes. I'm not talking about the gardener, but rather about the process the seeds go through to produce new plants. A seed has to be buried in the soil for a few days or even weeks before new life sprouts forth. For the new life to sprout, the seed has to undergo changes to itself, changes which involve trauma to the seed. By definition trauma is deep distress or disturbance. That trauma on the seed results in it splitting open, and releasing the life hidden inside it.  The new plant does not look at all like that seed once fully grown. Infact it is totally different in how it relates to the world, such that one would not associate it with said seed at all. And that is the nature of trauma, it changes something so much so that at times it becomes unrecognizable. 

The same happens with trauma on us living people, when we go through trauma we are changed. We do not look at the world the same. Where we were trusting, we begin to question motives. Where we used to go all in with reckless abandon, we begin to be hesitant, checking to see if it's safe. Trauma alters our thinking and leaves such a deep impact that it is unwise to think after a traumatic event life can go back to normal. 

Currently the whole world is in the grips of a pandemic, that has changed the way we do life as we knew it. That is a form of trauma affecting everyone. 

When the pandemic does finally leave, we as a collective will not be able to just resume life by picking up where we left off. Our whole being has been affected profoundly that we have to allow ourselves to learn how to move on. We found ourselves thrust into the eye of the storm and we developed survival strategies. Now we need to translate those strategies into more mechanisms to ensure we survive life after the Rona. 

Just as some seeds do not survive being buried, but rather rot and die, sometimes trauma is too much for us that we prefer to wither away in complaints and whining. For some the trauma is the fertile ground for the germination of facets of ourselves we did not know existed. Just like that embryo inside the seed waiting for the darkness of the soil to come alive, some parts of us become strongest when put under pressure and exposed to harsh circumstances. The beautiful jagged mountain landscapes that we see, having been shaped by water and wind erosion comes to mind.

Have you ever walked past a landscape that has just suffered a fire, and noticed how everything looks blackened and ugly. When you look at that same scenery a few months later you are greeted by a lush green landscape. Nature showing us how beauty can come from even the most ugliest of situations. 

There is a beautiful gully I cross on my morning walk regularly. Everytime I pass it I take in its beauty and am reminded of the beauty that comes from pain. Trauma is not pleasant, but when the pain has subsided we can pick up the diamonds that the pressure has produced. I thank you for adding your beauty to this earth. We are in this together ❤