New Beginnings; Up here in the cold thin air!

https://youtu.be/kHue-HaXXzg

 Hello there, I just want to take a second to appreciate how y'all are so patient with my erratic appearance in the blogspace. Life is hectic and sometimes I really do not have the time to pause and share some thoughts with the world. I found a breathing space today though and so here goes😊

So yesterday marked my 8th week in England, yes I've moved halfway across the world in search of, ahem! greener pastures and breathing space after my life folded before my eyes. For a very long time I held on too tightly to a life that was hurting me by the day. I was physically unwell, my body was keeping score of all my mental and emotional turmoil and could not keep up with the lies I told myself. At the same time, I found myself becoming more and more a shadow of who I knew myself to be, such that eventually I was just a shell of a woman, easily blown by any wind. This all sounds so depressing and stuff so I'm just going to save you the gory details and move on. One day I will share the whole sordid details in the hope that it helps someone else who wants to break out a self-defeating thought pattern and way of life.

Anywho so here I am in England, in South Yorkshire to be exact, trying to find my bearings and chart a new course for my life. As the song says, I may be up in the cold thin air, having left a whole life behind, but I can breathe because my relief overweighs my grief. As I was preparing to leave and when I eventually got on that flight leaving everything and everyone I hold dear, I received quite a bit of advice, but one that frequently comes to mind is this, and I'm going to quote it verbatim. 'Good thing about starting over in a new country is that you don't have the weight of expectations. You have to allow yourself to enjoy the experience. Don't be your own worst critic.' That made me think of how most expectations are actually self-imposed. Because we want so much to be something to others, we put that weight on ourselves and see it as their expectation of us. From then on we walk around with a sense of obligation because we think others are expecting a lot from us. What would happen if we honestly took a good look at ourselves and what we CAN do, and offered that lovingly to others? Wouldn't that ease the burden of expectations we place on ourselves, and help silence those accusing voices that say "you aren't doing enough"!


So as I start this year and this next chapter of my life I am going to relax and allow myself to enjoy every bit of this roller coaster ride. I am throwing away the weight of expectations, especially the ones I put on myself, and allowing myself to just be, to rediscover what it is to navigate life without a map.

How has been your start to this year? As we are still coming to terms with life after the pandemic, or still navigating its effects, how has your life changed? What do you find to be your coping mechanism for life's harsh moments? I pray you find the joy you seek and the courage to chase the life you want! Here's to a courageous 2023 💣💥Thank you for being part of this world at this point in time. 

Yours truly💓

Are we ever in control?

Into the unknown

Have you ever stood on the brink of a shiny new  adventure or opportunity and felt like you cant afford to take it? You knew in your heart of hearts that it is exactly what you need but somehow held back, even for a tiny second. You may eventually dive in and enjoy the ride, but the first response is usually hesitation. I congratulate you if you find it easy to accept new things, most of us agonize over stepping over that line. Why is it so?
As humans we have a hard time accepting things that we cannot control, and sometimes we run from them. And all new opportunities and adventures are filled with situations out of our control. Things that are out of our control are uncomfortable and demand so much more than what we want to give at any given moment. So we stay in the comfortable places with situations we can control and predict their outcomes. Why am I talking about control? Well I'm glad you asked😊 

 I was confronted by my own need for control recently as I was driving from Joburg city centre. On the drive home I had to go via Sandton. If you know Jozi you know the fastest and easiest way is via the M3, a highway. Now if you know me, you'll know I'm not a fan of driving on the highway, so obviously I took the long way to Joburg avoiding the highway. As I was now forced to be on the highway I started asking myself why do I dislike the highway. I realised that it's because I want to be in control, of stopping and starting at will, which traffic lights and STOP signs allow. The highway, or freeway however has no such luxuries, and I always find myself feeling out of control as it were.
So why do we as humans prefer to be in control? Well to be honest, control feels safe because we have studied the place and can predict how things play out. Control says " if A happens I can do B". When we have control we get to choose the outcomes and are not at the mercy of some external force.
But what if we let go of any control? What's the worst that could happen? I think we would be surprised by how much growth will come into our lives. Letting go means we get ready to respond in whatever way the situation demands, and that is the point of growth. When we are in control, we keep using the same tried and trusted strategies to solve life's questions. On the other hand when we allow ourselves to be out of control, our brain is forced to find new ways to cope and isn't that what life is about? Growth and development happens fastest in unfamiliar ground.

 To borrow from Chemistry, atoms are always seeking stability, hence the chemical reactions that make all the compounds we have today. If atoms did not seek that stability and were content with their comfortable existence, who knows if we would have water and all the host of other chemical compounds we have in nature. The same is true for all of life. The search for stability involves stretching and changing to find ways to reach the state of rest. Once stability in our lives is reached, sadly we tend to get too comfortable and expect growth to happen automatically.  Yet life itself is always giving us lessons on how growth and change are always happening.

 A baby is born and grows to become an adult.  Each moment is a moment of change as new cells are added while old ones are discarded. From the moment we are born our baby brain  is assailed consistently by new things, sounds, tastes, smells and sensations. The baby brain has no choice but to expand in order to make sense of all the new information,  and that is growth. In the same way our brains are not stagnant, but we can stunt their growth if we dont expose ourselves to new things that challenge us. When we allow more unpredictable scenarios into our lives our brains quickly learn to figure out ways to deal with them. Eventually we become sharper and quicker in dealing with life. That is how we learn as we grow from helpless babies through to adulthood. 

 Therefore my dear fellow humans, being in  control of our circumstances is a fallacy,  and as elusive as catching one's shadow. All we have control over is how we respond to the out of control situations in our lives.  Either by embracing it and allowing it to be the teacher, or by turning tail and running in the opposite direction. Your response determines whether you get growth and excitement, or comfort and stagnation. Are you going to let go of the shore and let yourself be carried away into uncharted waters, or are you going to continue hugging the harbour?
I thank you for being a part of this awesome adventure called life!

Trauma; the other side?

Hello!

it's me again, and happy 2021 lovers! We are in the fourth month and if you're still waking up at all, I applaude you, it's a great feat! I am grateful for each day in this season of the pandemic, and I am sure or rather I am hoping that this gratitude will linger into the coming seasons when we are free from the pandemic.My desire is that this attitude of gratitude for the little things i used to take for granted, will grow and bear fruit of an abundance of gratitude, for everything in life.
There is something about trauma that makes you look at life differently. Yes, most of the time that is not a good thing because we tend to develop negative coping strategies after trauma, and that is normal because trauma is not pleasurable. But I think utilized differently trauma can give birth to beauty. Think of childbirth, or the splitting of a seed to release new life. In the same way trauma can give birth to new and better ways of living this life if given the right soil to grow. I know I'm using a lot of metaphors but that's how I think oftentimes, and I love it😊

When we look at a green forest, or even a beautifully sculpted backyard, we rarely think of the process behind the scenes. I'm not talking about the gardener, but rather about the process the seeds go through to produce new plants. A seed has to be buried in the soil for a few days or even weeks before new life sprouts forth. For the new life to sprout, the seed has to undergo changes to itself, changes which involve trauma to the seed. By definition trauma is deep distress or disturbance. That trauma on the seed results in it splitting open, and releasing the life hidden inside it.  The new plant does not look at all like that seed once fully grown. Infact it is totally different in how it relates to the world, such that one would not associate it with said seed at all. And that is the nature of trauma, it changes something so much so that at times it becomes unrecognizable. 

The same happens with trauma on us living people, when we go through trauma we are changed. We do not look at the world the same. Where we were trusting, we begin to question motives. Where we used to go all in with reckless abandon, we begin to be hesitant, checking to see if it's safe. Trauma alters our thinking and leaves such a deep impact that it is unwise to think after a traumatic event life can go back to normal. 

Currently the whole world is in the grips of a pandemic, that has changed the way we do life as we knew it. That is a form of trauma affecting everyone. 

When the pandemic does finally leave, we as a collective will not be able to just resume life by picking up where we left off. Our whole being has been affected profoundly that we have to allow ourselves to learn how to move on. We found ourselves thrust into the eye of the storm and we developed survival strategies. Now we need to translate those strategies into more mechanisms to ensure we survive life after the Rona. 

Just as some seeds do not survive being buried, but rather rot and die, sometimes trauma is too much for us that we prefer to wither away in complaints and whining. For some the trauma is the fertile ground for the germination of facets of ourselves we did not know existed. Just like that embryo inside the seed waiting for the darkness of the soil to come alive, some parts of us become strongest when put under pressure and exposed to harsh circumstances. The beautiful jagged mountain landscapes that we see, having been shaped by water and wind erosion comes to mind.

Have you ever walked past a landscape that has just suffered a fire, and noticed how everything looks blackened and ugly. When you look at that same scenery a few months later you are greeted by a lush green landscape. Nature showing us how beauty can come from even the most ugliest of situations. 

There is a beautiful gully I cross on my morning walk regularly. Everytime I pass it I take in its beauty and am reminded of the beauty that comes from pain. Trauma is not pleasant, but when the pain has subsided we can pick up the diamonds that the pressure has produced. I thank you for adding your beauty to this earth. We are in this together ❤

The Wobbly Bridges

In June i went for a hike to celebrate my birthday. One of the highlights of that hike for me was a suspension bridge that we had to walk on to cross a river. I was petrified as I walked that bridge because it was swaying in the wind and because there were other people crossing as well. I dont know how long that bridge is but I walked its entire length thinking of all kinds of accidents that might happen resulting in me finding myself in the water below. A few hours after that I learnt that I had been terminated from my job with no notice whatsoever. The news came like a punch in the gut.  I had been thrust out of my comfort zone much like a baby leaving the warmth of the womb into a big, cold and scary world. As i grappled with the reality of having no income during a pandemic, I started thinking of my way forward. I saw myself walking that unsteady but sure bridge across from the known into a future I had no idea about. I was afraid of falling, of finding myself in deep waters and having to sink or swim. I have been walking that wobbly bridge every day ever since, holding tight to the side rails for fear of falling. Oftentimes I wish to  just close my eyes and get it over with, but I have to keep my eyes open to see the next step. And daily I am realizing that the bridge is able to support me after all, because there is One who holds my hand as I walk across. I need not fear, for He has been to the future I am uncertain of. Yesterday I went for another hike, and yes you guessed it there was another crossing to be done, and offcourse an unsteady bridge. Who makes these bridges anyway? This time the bridge was very low, on top of the water, and it was much easier to walk. There were no side rails for holding onto,  you have to try and remain still as you walk across to avoid falling. As I was later reflecting I realized that I have grown from that person in June, as have the situations around me. I am more confident and so the bridges I cross are becoming easier.  I am looking forward to crossing more bridges, as life is indeed a series of beginnings and endings. It is a constant moving on from the known to the unknown. I prefer to say life is like a wild horse, you tame it your way!

The wooden suspension bridge in June 2020.

Crossing the low cyclists bridge December 2020.

Gratitude and Goodbye

Thank you ,Next by Ariana Grande

After a conversation this afternoon with a friend, I find it imperative that I express my gratitude for my dear good ole RGNa who is  now   out of commission.. It’s  

time she hung up her wheels and went to car heaven,  for now she stands in the driveway awaiting her fate. the question that came up was; Am I  grateful for having had her in my life? My answer is a very big YES, I am very grateful for the time we've had together. The trips we've taken and the memories made, school or work drops and shopping sprees! At the same time I think she has given all she can and our time together is up. Lately she's been more demanding of the tlc a car needs, and that can be a nag. It's like a relationship, once it starts taking more out of you than it is giving , it might be time to re-evaluate. I might get backlash from people who preach the long suffering gospel, but I stand by my wordslet me  start from the beginning to give you context.  When I got my dear RGNa there were glaring red flags, but I convinced myself I could live with them, work around them,and boy did I DO A LOT OF WORK.. It’s the Same with a relationship, red flags usually pop up at the onset, but we tend to convince ourselves  that s/he will change, so we soldier on. Or the flip side, we sometimes choose  to tolerate whatever the red flags are about, and live with it. So from the get-go we are working hard to neutralise, or trying to ignore the red flags. Soon you will get tired all humans are prone to tiredness and everything will unravel fast. I am being a little  dramatic, but the truth is from then on its downhill. There won’t be anymore  energy to make up excuses, but rather irritation at every instance. The red flags have a way of growing into huge stumbling blocks hindering your way into the future. Again, I ambeing overly dramatic, but theres a grain of truth. I ignored RGN's red flags at my peril, so when she left me in the lurch i have no one to blame but myself. What does all this have to do with gratitude?. I am very grateful for the time I've had with RGNa but I am also tired of dealing with the red-flags-turned-problems that she's been giving me.  it's been a good run. time to admit that all good things come to an end, and  gracefully part ways. I remember  Bishop TD Jakes in his message on Goodbye, said "I have the gift of goodbye", and Beyonce in her song Best thing you never had said "I'm glad I found the good in goodbye". This to say sometimes we have to be okay with opening our hand and letting go of things, people and situations that do not serve us anymore. Each new season of life requires something new in us,  and sometimes that means a new geographical location or new equipment.  

I am gratfefor the lessons I’ve learned and the memories we've made.  It's time for me to move on, this new season demands that I be comfortable with goodbye. What does this new season hold instore for you?

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The scourge of perfectionism 😔

Well hello there, yes I'm talking to you. Let me start with a question, do you suffer from perfectionism? I mean like real paralysing perfectionism that renders you absolutely terrified to move on lest you mess up. Well I do, and today its hounding me like the plague. Seriously I dont know if it's my desire for perfection or maybe I'm just not that good at this project I'm working on. I've been up since 6am, after going to bed after 1am trying to make this thing come out perfectly, but its seems it is determined to humble me. Maybe the trying is the problem, I should rather just do it, hey. See, I dont have a problem with other people imperfections,  I mean I am very forgiving of others' missteps and all. It's when it comes to me that things get iffy, I dont know why, but I cannot rest unless I am absolutely certain that what I'm producing is of the highest quality. Can you imagine the pressure? A ton is much lighter i tell you. I mean i am very much aware that i am by no means Superwoman, and therefore i cannot always produce flawless results, but that doesnt stop me from feeling like a failure everytime I think I've missed the mark. Funny thing though is any outsider would tell me that my product is impeccable, but I still would feel that they are just being nice about it. Anyone else ever have that happen? Or is it just me? So here i am again today battling this seemingly easy task, and feeling like my best isnt going to be good enough. Your well wishes and prayers are welcome. I have tried it in several ways, redone it so many times I dread restarting, but I must finish it because I am on a deadline. HELP! Anyway not to leave you all with despair, I know I need to embrace the perfectionist in me, hug her lovingly and remind her that it's okay to fail because therein is growth. I need to look her in the eye and remind her that she is safe to try and try again. Remind her that even if she does not produce perfection, I love her nonetheless. I am going to hug myself and remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect. I love myself through the imperfection. It is safe for me to fail and try again. Failing is part of learning, it is not the end, it is learning what does not work so I can try other ways. I choose to fail forward. I fall and rise up to try again, as the book of wisdom says in Proverbs 24 verse 16 "Though a righteous man falls seven times, he will get up."

Here's to falling and rising stronger and wiser! Much love💞

Out with the old...!!!

Into the Unknown

I drove my daughter’s car yesterday, and it got me thinking among many other things. See I drive a very old beat-down 2004 Ford which makes creaking noises I would expect to hear from the bones of 80year-olds( To any 80-year-old reading, I love you ,you know that right!). She is a faithful and reliable friend my ReGiNa, that’s the name of my car, taken from the three letters making up her registration plates. If you’re South African or have any knowledge of the South African license plate numbering system, you would recognise that the three letters numbering system is old and has since been replaced with the four letters and two numbers one. That is to give you an idea of how old RGN is. Even though she does not purr, she does the basic job of taking me from place to place, croaky, rickety, and all. But something happened this Monday as I was going to the shops on an impromptu errand, which I might tell you all about someday. For today let’s focus on cars, even though I am the most clueless in that department.  I cannot tell one car model from the next, maybe that’s why I’m still with my Queen because that’s what Regina means.  I digress, let me tell you about the thoughts i thunk(😄) as I drove my daughter’s newer model of a car. Anyway, so Regina got the hiccups on our impromptu shops run, and I told myself let this be the end, she has run a good race.  I needed to get to my appointments and stuff though and that's where the 2019 car comes in.  As I was driving I realized that I have been missing out on the fun. I would have driven all the way to Durban, had I the chance I tell you!  It was such a blissful experience! The driving itself was so light, not to mention that I could go from zero to high speed in a matter of seconds. In my youth I used to fantasize about being a race-car driver, so when I was behind that steering, I could almost see myself dreaming that dream again, maybe I’m too old now, I don’t know. (shrugs). Everything was heavenly except I had to be careful in using the pedals because my old gal needs a little bit more coaxing, and this one-year-old just needed a light touch and that's it. But I had a sense of hesitancy and insecurity even as I was enjoying the simplicity and ease of driving in this car. Fast forward to this morning, I drove my husband’s car, an old model as well but not as old as mine. One which I find quite heavy for me whenever I drive it. But i was more at ease in it than with my daughter's car, going as far as to anticipate its usual shenanigans. As i compared my response to these three vehicles, I realized that's my response to change sometimes. Faced with a shiny new possibility, which is everything I need, i find myself fumbling and feeling like I am unsuitable, but bring on the old , worn out and obsolete, my reflexes kick in and i get comfortable. It may even be that it's as old as my Regina, and has brought as many tears, and sighs, but the attachment keeps me from admitting that its time to part ways and move on. Today i want to challenge you to embrace the new thing, uncomfortable as it may be, it is the best thing. Growth comes when we dare to dream bigger and be willing to step out of comfort, to be open to learning new coping mechanisms and leave behind the old ones we have held on to so much so that we defer to them without even thinking. Be brave enough to take the plunge into the Unknown, who knows you might actually love it. Remember any change is uncomfortable, so dont run away when it seems like it's a bit unusual, that's where growth happens. Face it head on and enjoy it! 

Here's a song from Frozen 2 for your enjoyment; 

https://youtu.be/3SM_jDj_Cms