The Wobbly Bridges

In June i went for a hike to celebrate my birthday. One of the highlights of that hike for me was a suspension bridge that we had to walk on to cross a river. I was petrified as I walked that bridge because it was swaying in the wind and because there were other people crossing as well. I dont know how long that bridge is but I walked its entire length thinking of all kinds of accidents that might happen resulting in me finding myself in the water below. A few hours after that I learnt that I had been terminated from my job with no notice whatsoever. The news came like a punch in the gut.  I had been thrust out of my comfort zone much like a baby leaving the warmth of the womb into a big, cold and scary world. As i grappled with the reality of having no income during a pandemic, I started thinking of my way forward. I saw myself walking that unsteady but sure bridge across from the known into a future I had no idea about. I was afraid of falling, of finding myself in deep waters and having to sink or swim. I have been walking that wobbly bridge every day ever since, holding tight to the side rails for fear of falling. Oftentimes I wish to  just close my eyes and get it over with, but I have to keep my eyes open to see the next step. And daily I am realizing that the bridge is able to support me after all, because there is One who holds my hand as I walk across. I need not fear, for He has been to the future I am uncertain of. Yesterday I went for another hike, and yes you guessed it there was another crossing to be done, and offcourse an unsteady bridge. Who makes these bridges anyway? This time the bridge was very low, on top of the water, and it was much easier to walk. There were no side rails for holding onto,  you have to try and remain still as you walk across to avoid falling. As I was later reflecting I realized that I have grown from that person in June, as have the situations around me. I am more confident and so the bridges I cross are becoming easier.  I am looking forward to crossing more bridges, as life is indeed a series of beginnings and endings. It is a constant moving on from the known to the unknown. I prefer to say life is like a wild horse, you tame it your way!

The wooden suspension bridge in June 2020.

Crossing the low cyclists bridge December 2020.

Gratitude and Goodbye

Thank you ,Next by Ariana Grande

After a conversation this afternoon with a friend, I find it imperative that I express my gratitude for my dear good ole RGNa who is  now   out of commission.. It’s  

time she hung up her wheels and went to car heaven,  for now she stands in the driveway awaiting her fate. the question that came up was; Am I  grateful for having had her in my life? My answer is a very big YES, I am very grateful for the time we've had together. The trips we've taken and the memories made, school or work drops and shopping sprees! At the same time I think she has given all she can and our time together is up. Lately she's been more demanding of the tlc a car needs, and that can be a nag. It's like a relationship, once it starts taking more out of you than it is giving , it might be time to re-evaluate. I might get backlash from people who preach the long suffering gospel, but I stand by my wordslet me  start from the beginning to give you context.  When I got my dear RGNa there were glaring red flags, but I convinced myself I could live with them, work around them,and boy did I DO A LOT OF WORK.. It’s the Same with a relationship, red flags usually pop up at the onset, but we tend to convince ourselves  that s/he will change, so we soldier on. Or the flip side, we sometimes choose  to tolerate whatever the red flags are about, and live with it. So from the get-go we are working hard to neutralise, or trying to ignore the red flags. Soon you will get tired all humans are prone to tiredness and everything will unravel fast. I am being a little  dramatic, but the truth is from then on its downhill. There won’t be anymore  energy to make up excuses, but rather irritation at every instance. The red flags have a way of growing into huge stumbling blocks hindering your way into the future. Again, I ambeing overly dramatic, but theres a grain of truth. I ignored RGN's red flags at my peril, so when she left me in the lurch i have no one to blame but myself. What does all this have to do with gratitude?. I am very grateful for the time I've had with RGNa but I am also tired of dealing with the red-flags-turned-problems that she's been giving me.  it's been a good run. time to admit that all good things come to an end, and  gracefully part ways. I remember  Bishop TD Jakes in his message on Goodbye, said "I have the gift of goodbye", and Beyonce in her song Best thing you never had said "I'm glad I found the good in goodbye". This to say sometimes we have to be okay with opening our hand and letting go of things, people and situations that do not serve us anymore. Each new season of life requires something new in us,  and sometimes that means a new geographical location or new equipment.  

I am gratfefor the lessons I’ve learned and the memories we've made.  It's time for me to move on, this new season demands that I be comfortable with goodbye. What does this new season hold instore for you?

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The scourge of perfectionism 😔

Well hello there, yes I'm talking to you. Let me start with a question, do you suffer from perfectionism? I mean like real paralysing perfectionism that renders you absolutely terrified to move on lest you mess up. Well I do, and today its hounding me like the plague. Seriously I dont know if it's my desire for perfection or maybe I'm just not that good at this project I'm working on. I've been up since 6am, after going to bed after 1am trying to make this thing come out perfectly, but its seems it is determined to humble me. Maybe the trying is the problem, I should rather just do it, hey. See, I dont have a problem with other people imperfections,  I mean I am very forgiving of others' missteps and all. It's when it comes to me that things get iffy, I dont know why, but I cannot rest unless I am absolutely certain that what I'm producing is of the highest quality. Can you imagine the pressure? A ton is much lighter i tell you. I mean i am very much aware that i am by no means Superwoman, and therefore i cannot always produce flawless results, but that doesnt stop me from feeling like a failure everytime I think I've missed the mark. Funny thing though is any outsider would tell me that my product is impeccable, but I still would feel that they are just being nice about it. Anyone else ever have that happen? Or is it just me? So here i am again today battling this seemingly easy task, and feeling like my best isnt going to be good enough. Your well wishes and prayers are welcome. I have tried it in several ways, redone it so many times I dread restarting, but I must finish it because I am on a deadline. HELP! Anyway not to leave you all with despair, I know I need to embrace the perfectionist in me, hug her lovingly and remind her that it's okay to fail because therein is growth. I need to look her in the eye and remind her that she is safe to try and try again. Remind her that even if she does not produce perfection, I love her nonetheless. I am going to hug myself and remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect. I love myself through the imperfection. It is safe for me to fail and try again. Failing is part of learning, it is not the end, it is learning what does not work so I can try other ways. I choose to fail forward. I fall and rise up to try again, as the book of wisdom says in Proverbs 24 verse 16 "Though a righteous man falls seven times, he will get up."

Here's to falling and rising stronger and wiser! Much love💞

Out with the old...!!!

Into the Unknown

I drove my daughter’s car yesterday, and it got me thinking among many other things. See I drive a very old beat-down 2004 Ford which makes creaking noises I would expect to hear from the bones of 80year-olds( To any 80-year-old reading, I love you ,you know that right!). She is a faithful and reliable friend my ReGiNa, that’s the name of my car, taken from the three letters making up her registration plates. If you’re South African or have any knowledge of the South African license plate numbering system, you would recognise that the three letters numbering system is old and has since been replaced with the four letters and two numbers one. That is to give you an idea of how old RGN is. Even though she does not purr, she does the basic job of taking me from place to place, croaky, rickety, and all. But something happened this Monday as I was going to the shops on an impromptu errand, which I might tell you all about someday. For today let’s focus on cars, even though I am the most clueless in that department.  I cannot tell one car model from the next, maybe that’s why I’m still with my Queen because that’s what Regina means.  I digress, let me tell you about the thoughts i thunk(😄) as I drove my daughter’s newer model of a car. Anyway, so Regina got the hiccups on our impromptu shops run, and I told myself let this be the end, she has run a good race.  I needed to get to my appointments and stuff though and that's where the 2019 car comes in.  As I was driving I realized that I have been missing out on the fun. I would have driven all the way to Durban, had I the chance I tell you!  It was such a blissful experience! The driving itself was so light, not to mention that I could go from zero to high speed in a matter of seconds. In my youth I used to fantasize about being a race-car driver, so when I was behind that steering, I could almost see myself dreaming that dream again, maybe I’m too old now, I don’t know. (shrugs). Everything was heavenly except I had to be careful in using the pedals because my old gal needs a little bit more coaxing, and this one-year-old just needed a light touch and that's it. But I had a sense of hesitancy and insecurity even as I was enjoying the simplicity and ease of driving in this car. Fast forward to this morning, I drove my husband’s car, an old model as well but not as old as mine. One which I find quite heavy for me whenever I drive it. But i was more at ease in it than with my daughter's car, going as far as to anticipate its usual shenanigans. As i compared my response to these three vehicles, I realized that's my response to change sometimes. Faced with a shiny new possibility, which is everything I need, i find myself fumbling and feeling like I am unsuitable, but bring on the old , worn out and obsolete, my reflexes kick in and i get comfortable. It may even be that it's as old as my Regina, and has brought as many tears, and sighs, but the attachment keeps me from admitting that its time to part ways and move on. Today i want to challenge you to embrace the new thing, uncomfortable as it may be, it is the best thing. Growth comes when we dare to dream bigger and be willing to step out of comfort, to be open to learning new coping mechanisms and leave behind the old ones we have held on to so much so that we defer to them without even thinking. Be brave enough to take the plunge into the Unknown, who knows you might actually love it. Remember any change is uncomfortable, so dont run away when it seems like it's a bit unusual, that's where growth happens. Face it head on and enjoy it! 

Here's a song from Frozen 2 for your enjoyment; 

https://youtu.be/3SM_jDj_Cms

One day at a time!

Everytime I walk on this path, I'm reminded of the journey of life. Most of the time the only part you can see is what's infront of you. You cant tell if the path continues ahead, if there's a bump, a ditch or any such impediments. All you can see is what's right here, and its frustrating because we want to see what ahead. But if put your foot infront of the other live each day as it comes you, will the future unravel at it's own pace. Dont rush to know what's ahead when you still have today to deal with. Just do the next right thing, take the next step. Every once in a while look back and take stock of how far you've come, you'll be surprised. Those twists and turns you were not sure about, now seem like a small thing. 

The path seems easier after you've walked it. So just keep walking,  one step at a time, living one day at a time! Small steps add up to a journey of a thousand miles.

The Road to 50

I am excited for this journey to 50 because this is the first time ever that I feel I deserve to be celebrated.  Sure, in the past I have thought, resentfully and sometimes enviously that I should be celebrated. Most of those times it was because i was comparing myself to the next person and thinking I deserve it more. Probably because I am a nicer person than them, or I was feeling unappreciated and therefore demanded celebration and recognition. In all of those times I was demanding celebration out of pain and when it came I could never really feel fulfilled. Time after time I would wonder why I am not enjoying being. I never really looked deep inside for the reason. I always thought hearing people's affirmations would satisfy me but sadly I would feel like a phoney. That was until I realized that I do not really think I'm worthy of celebrating,  and that was a hard truth. So I had to walk back to myself to find out why I thought that way. The answer was very simple but not easy . I realised I have to celebrate myself first and foremost for the outside celebration to make sense and fit properly. So this time I am celebrating myself first and i am loving it. I am showering myself with praise and affirmation and everyone else's celebration is just a bonus!

Here is to love! For yourself first before you can give it to anyone else!

Counting down to 50!

I am counting down to my 50th birthday, and no it's not in a few days time. Its actually in a few years time, but I am so excited so much so that I want to start the countdown now. Maybe it is because of the #lockdown that has had all of us thinking things through, or maybe it's just age catching up with me and forcing me to take note of every moment. Either way, I am excited to be celebrating yet another birthday in a few days, and excited that this birthday is bringing me closer to my 50th. I have big plans for my 50th birthday, and I'm sure you are now rolling your eyes and thinking "woman stop and smell the roses on  the way!" I hear you and I intend to!  I will fully savour every second of this journey to 50 but there are things that will only come to maturity at that time. Think of it as when a woman is pregnant.  She enjoys every minute of the process of baby growing within her, but most of her anticipation is saved for that moment when she can hold baby in her arms and look at the tiny human that she has been housing the nine months. In the same way, I am going to enjoy every second of this journey and I am sure I am going to have memorable moments, but somehow i am waiting in anticipation for the clock to strike 50 and I can start counting the next 50 again.

2020!

So I published my very first post on the 7th of June 2010, a whole 10 years ago! And here I am back again feeling like I'm starting from scratch. In a way it is a beginning because a lot has happened in 10years. Indeed a lot has changed, I have changed and grown older and hopefully wiser. It is the new and flavorful Zah that I am bringing back to this platform in 2020. A the days unfold you will get to know me more,  and I hope I can get to know you too. I have come to appreciate honesty and raw truth more than embellished words. And as I grow older I am realizing I have less and less time for pretense and hiding behind masks(not the corona protection ones c'mon). Indeed what builds strong and true relationships at any level is authenticity which is borne out of vulnerability. Anyway this was meant to be my greeting post, so adios amigos. Spread the love!

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